Yesterday, I sent Meepy off to school in the morning. He was so excited and happy to go, that he leaped out of the car and ran straight to his teacher without giving me a second thought. It makes me happy that he likes school so much, but it also terrifies me.
I love that my child is so happy. I love that he is a lover and a hugger. But you start to think, there are sick people out there. What if I turn my head for one second and someone runs off with my son. He has no fear. It doesn't bother him much to go off with a stranger working in a church daycare we are visiting. (Don't worry, I know most of the people there, but he does not). Or if we are out on the playground and he sees a family that interests him, there have been plenty of times that he has simply wandered off to follow the family.
When I was in elementary school in New York, there was this young girl who would occasionally wander up to my group of friends and talk with us. My friends mainly ignored her or walked away, but I didn't. Mainly because the girl would always tell me how pretty I was and how nice I was. Who can ignore a soul baring compliments? I didn't know her name, but she signed my autograph book with a "have a nice summer" message. The following year, while walking home from school, the girl went missing. I remember hearing about it on the news. I didn't think much of it, because I honestly didn't understand it. I thought perhaps that she was waiting for her parents somewhere and they forgot where they were supposed to meet her. I kept hearing on the news that she was autistic. I didn't know what that meant. A few weeks later, they found the girls body in the nearby woods. I felt bad for her. I felt bad for her family. Her family spoke about how she was a loving spirit and enjoyed making new friends. How she would sit down and talk to anybody. She loved life and loved people. They thought that it was because of these qualities that a stranger was able to convince her to go with them. That's what lead to her death.
I heard last week on 20/20 about the case of Somer Thompson. A little girl in Florida who went missing on her way home from school. She was later found in a garbage dump in Georgia. I had followed the story and prayed fervently for this child from the day she went missing. I was very upset when I learned that she was gone. However, when listening to her mother speak on the 20/20 piece, I heard her speak the words of my heart. That Somer was a beautiful loving girl who had no fear. She loved animals and people. Her mom was often scared and would try to teach Somer that she couldn't talk to random people. That there was evil out there in the world. Knowing the outcome of that little blessed child's life makes my heart break.
The fact is, I face the same fears. These stories are all a part of my reality. They are the things that keep me up at night. How can something so beautiful about my child, be the one thing I pray will eventually go away. I pray each night and for years I had asked God to help take away some of my fear, for it often keeps me from living my life to the fullest. I so desperately want to live a life where I am not afraid constantly. However, I do not wish that for my child. I do not want him to look at the world as a scary place and be scared to step outside, but I do need him to have some fear. Enough fear to tell him to run away or scream for help if he feels that something is off. Fear enough to keep him from running out into the middle of the street or getting into a car or walking off with someone he doesn't know. Those types are fears are unfortunately necessary for our survival. These words taste like vinegar. To speak them feels as if I am killing a dream. A dream of how this life should be.
This is my reality. This is my burden. God, help me and all the other mothers who carry this burden through it all. This is my prayer.
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